Standing up for yourself is not about being entitled or selfish but about respecting your needs, what you accept and deserve, and honoring your values. When you routinely value other people’s needs over your own, you risk accumulating resentment, burnout, and disrespect for yourself.
Psychology Today reminds us that “overly polite” behavior creates problems in relationships, friendships, and work and will likely do you more harm than good.
Margie Warrell writes for Forbes on how you teach others how to treat you through the boundaries you maintain and behaviors you allow and tolerate. When people see that you never speak up, you unconsciously show that your needs and feelings don’t matter.
Understanding the barriers
Many people find it difficult to assert themselves due to:
These barriers are real, but they can be overcome with self-awareness and practice.
1. Clarify your values and needs: Before asserting yourself, you must understand what is important to you. Think about your values, priorities, and deal breakers. What can you compromise on, and what do you need to say “no” to? Clarifying these core values will serve you well if (and when) you encounter difficult situations.
2. Start practicing assertive communication: Assertive communication is the happy medium between passive and aggressive. It’s the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly with respect for others. You can achieve an assertive tone by using “I” statements!
Using “I” statements makes it clear that you own your perspective without blaming anyone else.
For example, “I feel stressed when I’m asked to work on something at the last minute, and I want you to give me notice in the future.”
BetterUp recommends setting the stage for assertive communication in low-stakes situations to bolster one’s courage to start asserting when the time arises.
3. Set boundaries – and hold them: To achieve self-respect, we must set boundaries. We cannot expect to have our boundaries respected if we cannot communicate them and must enforce them!
An example may be that someone constantly interrupts you in meetings, so you say: “I would like to finish my thought before we move on.”
Remember, boundaries are only meaningful to the extent that you will enforce them, even if it is uncomfortable at first
4. Prepare for pushback: Not everyone will welcome your newfound assertiveness. Some people may be surprised, annoyed, or even try to guilt you into backing down. Anticipate these reactions and remind yourself that standing up for yourself isn’t selfish-it’s necessary for healthy relationships and self-respect.
5. Small wins: Like any skill, assertiveness gets easier with practice. Start small: speak up when your coffee order is wrong, or express a preference about where to eat. Each time you advocate for yourself, you reinforce your ability to do so in bigger situations.
As you begin addressing for your needs, you’ll notice a number of positive changes:
Advocating for yourself is a continuous effort, not an isolated act. It takes introspection, courage, and, sometimes, fighting through discomfort. The payoffs—more self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of self—are easily worth the work.
The next time you feel the impulse to keep your head down or want to go along to get along, take a moment to stop and ask yourself: What do I need right now, and how can I honor that?
The answer might provide the path to change your life for the better.
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