Open letter to the Guwahati sex survey analyzer from an annoyed Axomiya!!

Pahari Baruah

Dear Mr. Sex- survey analyzer of India Today,

To be honest I have never heard of you before, nor have a lot of people but after your phenomenal article, the numbers will change for sure.

First of all, I would congratulate you for having a place in one of the most popular magazines of the country. Just so that you know, because you are an Assamese guy doing well in life in a bigger arena, we sentimental fellas back in your homeplace are always proud of you lot.

Having said that, let’s just directly come to the point of how you disappointed us all with your recent article in one of India’s leading magazines.

Now you started your article with the stats of your magazine’s survey on a percent of the population in Guwahati out of which a large percentage admitted about doing “it” in the office. Ridiculous though it sounds, let’s not directly blame you for the survey part. Although a few more details on the number and type of survey audience would have helped in understanding the level of your work better.

But apart from that, what troubles me more is the piece you wrote after that. No, I am not the conservative, self made moral police types who have no better work than to strive to keep sex the taboo that it already is. I have absolutely no problem with anyone doing “it” in their personal time or space or even offices for that matter (unless of course it is my office and they doing ‘It’ creates trouble of any sort.)

But your arguments for supporting this particular little “fact” of yours are really, well let me put it straight, pathetic!. Kamdev, a fictional character from Hindu mythology who is supposedly the ‘God of sex’ has I believe, absolutely no influence on the sexual habits of the Assamese people. Correct me, if I am wrong. Then you went a step extra saying that the prime festival of Assam, our dearest Rongali Bihu is a festival of love and lust.

I may agree with the love part but lust… seriously?? Let me tell you, for all the years that I have been alive, I have witnessed and celebrated Rongali Bihu in Assam with the rest of the state and nowhere ever have I witnessed anything lustful even remotely associated with it. Yeah, I too have read that the Bihu dance was initially supposed to be a sexy form of dance.

But ask any Assamese from Assam what Bihu means to them. There is so so much more to this beautiful festival and you happen to just mark it as a festival of lust! Well, shame on you!

For the millionth time, leave the Papon issue alone. Let me ask you sir, have you ever praised or encouraged this man for the talent that he is or for the beautiful music he gifted us. If you have never appreciated the man for his skills, you have no right to use his mistake for supporting a misleading cause of yours. Rahul Gandhi kissed by the two Assamese middle aged women was not lust. Period. By this point, I am in serious doubt what the word lust actually means to you.

Also, your so called gorgeous lady doesn’t represent the entire Assamese population, infact the criminal tendency among us is a lot less than the rest of the nation (you can check the so called ‘stats’). And giving the example of Kamakhya to a nation that whole-heartedly worships ‘that particular part’ of Lord Shiva is also sort of pointless (Or is the special mention because it belongs to a lady, chauvinism much??)

And then you blatantly pointed out that the reason for the slow pace of work in our government and private offices is because the employees are ‘apparently’ engaged in some more exciting work. Which was of course confirmed by your so called Guwahati based friends, consisting of doctors who do ‘it’ in operation theatres, university and college professors doing ‘it’ in their cabins, and for others the washrooms and storerooms are always there (which makes me wonder which offices in Guwahati has washrooms chic enough to kick in ‘the’ particular mood).

Excuse me, but I too have my friends and relatives who are spread over a fair lot variety of Guwahati offices, who have never admitted doing or even remotely hearing about any colleague doing ‘it’ in the office (which led me to wonder if there is any other Guwahati in the country other than the hip-hop one you referred to). Then you particularly mentioned some examples reminded by some ‘friends’ of yours about a chief minister, a professor and a MLA’s personal life.

How three particular people and their affairs defined an entire community’s sexual libido is actually beyond my comprehension. And special mention to that stupid lawyer friend of yours who said that people from lower Assam who transported to Guwahati for job on a daily basis would naturally resort to ‘you-know-what’ again. (I don’t know what that man has against the lower Assam people, but you should see their reactions).

Also you mentioned a professor from Guwahati University who told you that due to absence of moral policing and some fringe groups not interfering in others personal life our culture is becoming more liberal. Technology has reached past the moon and some people are still losing it over a guy and a girl holding hands!! What exactly are these people’s plans about Assam’s future? Taliban??

Now since at one point you talk about people telling to be cool with open sexual endeavors in offices itself and then you talk about people missing moral policing in the state is what really confuses me.

Having re-read your article numerous times (pardon me, but it took effort to decipher your exact thoughts), I am only stunned that you used your position to publish it in your esteemed magazine an issue about sexual behavior of your state whereas many grave and more serious issues back here await a voice in the central media. We are discriminated enough in mainland India where a lot of jerks already have this notion that girls from our region are ‘easy’.

While some of us are fighting so hard to make the nation realize that we are not a bunch of uncivilized ‘junglees’ and there is so much more to our state, people like you publicize these pieces of crap about us. There are many Assamese people in many mainstream media that we are proud of but now for the second time in thirty days we have realized that perhaps journalism is not one of them. Expecting better from you in the coming days…..

P.s. the people trolling you are not from Mars. If I were to conduct a survey about people’s opinion of you after this article, I am sure the statistics will not be much in your favor.

Signing off,

An annoyed Axomiya!!

Regards,

Pahari Baruah

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