The power of your mind

Is the mind capable of destroying you?

Ruba Ayyash

To literally feel that your mind is manipulating you, and is able to control you, that’s when you ask .. who is my mind?

And who am I?

Do I control my mind? Or my mind has power over me?

A little hormone that can turn my life and day upside down?
Is that a curse? Or tools that God uses to control us?

Maybe no one will really understand what I feel, but literally as if someone lives inside my mind, talking loudly about everything, and I try to silence him all the time.

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Scary.. afraid of myself?

Yes.. I am afraid of my mind.. because it is capable of destroying me and building me..

My mind is able to completely control and manipulate me with my feelings and thoughts!

Who am I at this moment? And what do I feel?

Sad? down? anger?  Joy? Need for a revenge?

which feelings seize my pulse and my heart and my breath?

My mind overburdens me with a lot of his gossip.. Sometimes he wants to destroy the world, and other times he says to me that I have no power nor strength to harm an insect.

My mind is angry at himself and at the entire universe, but I am trying to tame him and convince him to choose peace.

I repeat the question over and over again, Am I afraid of my mind? sure..a lot..

He is like a monster capable of seizing me completely, moving me as he wants.

He imprisons me inside a cell.. He blocks the light from me sometimes.. He hides my bright and beautiful memories and starts torturing me by showing me every bad memory.

It never stops bringing up all the bad people in my life

I talk to him with logic, and he answers me with anger and hurtful feelings.

Tell him that it is okay, what happened has happened.. In one moment, he steals my soul, snatches it, and throws it into a vortex of unclear time, and takes me back to painful moments..

I even sometimes lose my sense of time and place..

My body is here, but I am not here. I am in the space of nothingness, swimming with my memories that do not stop chasing me like savage fish and carnivorous plants that want to kill and dismember me.

I never exaggerate if I repeat for the millionth time and say… I am afraid of my mind… and life with him has become suspicious…

It is difficult to live with yourself that you are afraid of and that has become unexpected for you.

You wake up cautiously.. and look at your mind carefully.. you do not want to wake it up.. you look at it carefully, fearfully and hesitantly.. “Ha? What are you up to today? Happy or unhappy? Do you want to think about the past, or are you completely satisfied with what reality has brought?”

The battle is inside your mind… inside the catacombs of your cursed soul… the demons inside you are settled and you don’t know how to befriend them, tame them, or even try to kill them…

You are the only one causing harm here to yourself ..and you are the only obstacle for yourself too here.. your mind is hindering you from living a peaceful and comfortable day.. it hinders you from concentrating on your goals and your bright life.. it hinders you from much..and makes you think that everything is “meaningless, tasteless, and odorless.”

My mind succumbs to his demons easily..and this is really suspicious..and very scary..

And sometimes you just have to deal with it like a child.. go back to the mirror and look into your own eyes.. and tell yourself, “Don’t worry, I’m here.” You have to hug yourself for a while and feel yourself standing with yourself and say to her, “Don’t worry.. I’m here.”

You have to bring chocolates for yourself, give her gifts, get her vitamins, take her to where the sun and the air are, and you have to pamper her and do a lot for her, in order to tame her.

And sometimes.. some days after all that.. all your efforts will be in vain.. and your soul will be dissatisfied, and will be ungrateful in front of everything you do for her..

It is exhausting to be sensitive, with an overthinking mind, inhabited by terrifying demons.

But your attempts must continue.. and your journey must continue.. first by trying to confess what hurts you the most.. and all the things that made you this monster..

How did you become like this? When did things deteriorate to this extent?

From the outside, this ruin does not appear on you, you look strong, beautiful, and dazzling.

But inside you there is an abandoned castle full of cobwebs.

It hurts of course..

The important thing.. back to the question.. what really bothers you the most..

The accumulation of bad and failed experiences of relationships and love.. That love turned into a dagger that distracts me, cuts me to pieces, and always defeats me.. My last setback is shameful and frankly flawed.. and it also ended. In a painful way.. you are disposed of in a humiliating way.. and you are told by heart “sorry” .. sorry?

a very weak word.. weak, weak, and unable even to mend any defect, any betrayal, or any crime committed against your heart and feelings.

A situation that brings me to a thousand situations that I have lived through a whole decade.

one Disappointment is able to stir up all the sleeping demons in your mind to regain their strength and wake up from their slumber and come back to haunt you in your dreams and in your reality.

There was a lot of betrayal in my path, a lot of shame, humiliation and underestimation, a lot of neglect, rejection and misguidance.

And hardly any of these feelings leave me.. Rather, they haunt me and sometimes they get me

Painful.. shameful and humiliating.. that you live in a whirlpool that you don’t know how to escape from, looking for a way out.. trying to reach the stage of “not paying attention” to anything.. to reach the feeling of nothingness.. to look at these stable demons In your mind, even if you can’t get rid of her forever.. but at least to make her presence doesn’t bother you, befriend her at least, make a pact with her not to hurt you anymore.. but to hurt them.. who caused this ruin.

[Multimedia Journalist at Sky News Arabia. News reporter, writer and producer in Palestine. She worked extensively in several areas of news media including television, radio and web. She graduated from the Jordanian Media Institute in 2015 with a Master’s Degree in Journalism and Digital Media. This is her first write-up for Mahabahu]

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