How to Sell Your Brains to the Highest Bidder: the Complete Guide

How to Sell Your Brains to the Highest Bidder: the Complete Guide

Sanjeev Kumar Nath

There are those “how-to” books in the market, teaching you a thousand things : how to get rich super quick, how to launch into your dream career, how to get your dream spouse, how to be successful in relationships, how to prepare for an interview, how to impress others, how to attain nirvana, how to plant seasonal flowers, how to deal with a difficult boss, how to remain fit and strong even in old age, how to meditate, how to sleep, how to exercise, how to say ‘no’, and so on and so forth.

But the best “how-to” trick to learn nowadays, is “how to sell your brains”.

            Do not be alarmed. I don’t mean selling the physical organ, the brain. Of course, there are aghori sadhus who sometimes eat the brains of corpses. I am not talking about selling your brains to the aghoris, because aghoris don’t buy, and you can’t give them your brains before you die. While alive, you can still sell your brains.

“Who is eligible to sell? You are eligible for selling your brains if you happen to be a journalist, a columnist, a freelancer, a scientist, a historian, an intellectual or anyone with brains that can be sold off. For you to be able to sell off your brains, you must first switch off a switch in your system. That switch connects your brain with your conscience. Just switch conscience off, completely, and you are ready to go.”

You don’t need to scoop your brains out of the skull. Just do some brain-work for some people. That is as good as selling because you get handsomely paid for the brain-work.

There is an invisible auction for brains in contemporary society.

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Who is the bidder?

The highest bidder is usually very powerful, very rich; or is aspiring for both power and wealth.

“What do you gain? By selling your brains to the highest bidder, you get power, position, money, and all kinds of goodies you can think of. You can vacation in posh locations abroad. You will be a known face to all. You will be on TV very often. You will be there at all kinds of meetings, functions and rallies, and your photo will be displayed on prominent roads in big cities. You will be in good company : you will have lots of friends and colleagues from the media, institutions of higher learning, bureaucratic circles, and so on.”

Who is eligible to sell?

You are eligible for selling your brains if you happen to be a journalist, a columnist, a freelancer, a scientist, a historian, an intellectual or anyone with brains that can be sold off. For you to be able to sell off your brains, you must first switch off a switch in your system. That switch connects your brain with your conscience. Just switch conscience off, completely, and you are ready to go.

What do you gain?

By selling your brains to the highest bidder, you get power, position, money, and all kinds of goodies you can think of.

You can vacation in posh locations abroad. You will be a known face to all. You will be on TV very often. You will be there at all kinds of meetings, functions and rallies, and your photo will be displayed on prominent roads in big cities. You will be in good company : you will have lots of friends and colleagues from the media, institutions of higher learning, bureaucratic circles, and so on.

What do you lose?

Nothing much. You only lose touch with your own conscience, and you won’t be liked by some of the disgruntled power-seekers in the opposite camp. The common people will usually not show you their dislike of you because even if they understand that you have switched off your conscience and sold off your brains merely for getting certain benefits for yourself and not at all for serving them, they will fear your power.

So, they will usually be very humble and polite with you. Of course, in their hearts they will despise you, but what of that? What can the hatred of the common people do to you, now that you are protected by the most powerful?

What is the nature of the job?

To write the speeches of your bosses who address big rallies, to present your bosses as the most sought-after powerful people on the planet, as heroes who make the country proud wherever they go, as beneficent leaders who roll out schemes that will keep the poor fed (and poor), to explain, with convoluted arguments, about the greatness and the goodness of heart of those in power, about their generosity and so on, to rewrite history in the manner suggested by your bosses, to make films that will please them and their fans, to do research that will demolish rational thinking but install specific prejudices as unquestionable truth, to pull down specific history-makers and leaders of the past and to install new ones in their place.

Lots of things to choose from, actually. You will never be out of work.

One special qualification that will be much appreciated by the employers of people who thus sell their brains is total, unquestioning submission to the top boss or bosses.

Along with that, if you also have a super smooth tongue that can really flatter well, then you can be assured of extremely high success.

(Disclaimer 🙂 Let me conclude with one sentence from Abraham Lincoln : “Knavery and flattery are blood relations.”

Images from different sources

(Sanjeev Kumar Nath, English Department, Gauhati University, sanjeevnath21@gmail.com)

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